I've Drowned And Dreamt This Moment
by DopeyPixie
Summary: 'Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest...' Unknown Author


''Do you ever wish you could just freeze one second and put it into a box, and like jump into it and stay there forever? I do right now. In fact, I do every time I'm with you.'' Unknown Author

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It had started like any other day; he had arrived at work, sat down on his desk, finished a couple of reports he hadn't been able to finish the day before and after that he had talked to a couple of colleagues. After lunch he had worked some more and when he had gotten home he had eaten his dinner and started reading his fourth book of the week. Just an ordinary day, until the doorbell rang. Spencer frowned, he wasn't expecting anyone. He stood up cautiously and walked over to the floor. With hesitation he looked through the small peep hole and sighed in relief when he saw it was just her.

Or, actually... 'just her' may not have been the best words. There's nothing about her that deserved a 'just', every amazing part of her deserved much more. He opened the door and gave her a small, maybe even a little shy, smile, ''JJ,'' he acknowledged with a small nod. ''Spence,'' was all she replied. He waited for her to continue but she just stood there.  
''Ehm, what are you doing here?'' He asked, he couldn't help but wonder.

She looked away for a few seconds, in a nonchalant way, ''just... dropping by I guess,'' she said, looking at him with a sigh.  
''Come in,'' he said and opened the door a little further. As he closed the door behind him she looked around. It had changed quite a bit. After Maeve it had been a mess, it was neat now but something was different. She couldn't quite put her finger on what it was. Had it been something in the room that had changed? A new piece of furniture, different curtains? Or was it perhaps the owner that had changed? Had the traumatic experience changed him like that?

She couldn't help but profile him just a little bit before she turned back to him. ''I think we should talk,'' she said as she sat down in one of the chairs.  
He hesitated for a short moment before walking over to her and sitting down in the chair facing hers. ''About what?'' Spencer asked a little confused.

He looked at her as she tried to find the words. He studied her face. He knew there was a rule that they shouldn't profile each other but he also knew that she had done the same thing when she had walked in. Her long, blonde hair was catching the last rays of sunlight that shone through the window behind her and the shadows on her face that it brought didn't make her look older like it did on some other women. It made her look more mature, sophisticated, smart... even more beautiful to him.

He would never deny that there had been a time that he felt attracted to her, maybe even on the verge of falling madly in love with her. But that was years ago and that was that. He had left it in the past and the feelings had faded away, or perhaps he had just gotten used to them... But when he looked at her now, the slight frown on her face made her look adorable to him; almost doll like.

He couldn't explain the feelings he had. They had been on one date, just one. It had never let to anything. When out with the team and they were just standing somewhere together they had overheard people say that they made a cute couple. They had laughed at it. He couldn't do that anymore.

After the date they had just become friends, good friends even. Then Will came in the picture and along with him came a beautiful boy: Henry. No matter how much Spencer got a long with Will, no matter how much he loved his godson... there was always the 'what if' questions following him around.

What if she had felt the same way about him as he felt about her? What if they had both been ready for a relationship? What if there weren't any rules so they could be together? What if... she could just love him?

''Will thinks there is something going on between us,'' she suddenly blurted out.  
Spencer was stunned by this for a moment, ''what?'' He asked.

JJ stood up and started pacing around the small room, ''I mean, obviously this is crazy. I don't even know why he would think such a thing,'' she said in a rapid pace. She looked back at Spencer and stood in front of him with her arms crossed. ''What do you think about that?''

Spencer looked a little flabbergasted, ''ehm...'' was all he managed to get out before she interrupted him again.  
''There was never anything between us. We never even dated,'' she said.  
''There was that one date,'' he just had to mention it. She looked back at him like she needed a moment to remember that day.

''Will doesn't know about that,'' she said, almost a little reluctantly.  
Spencer frowned, ''are you hiding it from him?'' He asked her, not quite sure if he wanted to know the answer.

JJ looked at him for a second and then sat back down in her chair, ''I'm not hiding it, I just haven't told him,'' she said simply. Spencer just looked at her, unsure of how to respond. ''It just never came up and I didn't want to mention it because I was afraid that he would think there was still something going on between us.''

''He still thinks that,'' Spencer said.  
JJ looked at him with an almost smile. Like she thought it was funny but couldn't laugh at it because of the circumstances.

Spencer looked down at his hands, wondering if he should speak his mind. ''Don't you think that if there really wasn't anything that then you wouldn't have a problem with telling him?'' He asked, afraid to look her in the eyes.

JJ looked at him a little stunned, ''what? You of all people should know there is nothing going on between us!'' She said, getting a little upset.  
''Sometimes I'm not sure what our relationship is,'' he mumbled. ''From time to time I feel like there's some kind of a connection between us, like there might be more than just friendship.''

''Is that how you feel?'' She asked, Do you like me?''  
''Of course I do! I'm just not always sure if I like you as a friend or as... more than just a friend,'' he answered honestly.

''Did you like me as more than just a friend back then?'' She asked, not entirely sure she wanted to know the answer.  
''Without a doubt,'' he answered. There was no point in lying; he knew that deep down she already knew the answer. He paused for a moment, working up the courage to ask her, Did you like me as more than a friend?''

She looked up from her hands back at him, ''I guess,'' she said slowly. She might as well admit it, lying to a profiler is not exactly wise.  
Spencer smiled, although it was more of a sad smile than anything else. She did like him like that. But she still had a baby with another man, and she had just married him.

''I mean,'' she broke his train of thought, ''what do you want me to say? That I loved you like crazy and that I wanted to marry you?!'' She looked at him and became silent again.

''What do you think life would be like if we had gotten, and stayed, together?'' He asked her.  
She shrugged. It was a thought that had crossed her mind before but she never allowed it to let her get carried away. She had what most people dreamed off: the white picket fence. She had a good marriage, an amazing son and a successful career. She already had more than most people ever got, and she wasn't one to complain.

''Do you think we would have been able to stay together? Maybe have gotten married and had kids of our own?'' She asked him. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea to be talking about this. She didn't want to tempt herself to do anything drastic.  
''I'm not sure. Sometimes when I think of it I think that we would have been great together. I can easily imagine us to get married and grow old together. But other times when I think of it... I don't think we could've made it work,'' he said, the ending sounding kind of sad.

''I guess we'll never know,'' JJ said with a sigh, looking away again. She wanted to find out, she wanted to know. But leaving Will was out of the question. She couldn't risk leaving... perfection. 'Cause that was what it was; she was living the dream and she wasn't going to throw it all away for the possibility that it might be better. It had to be a certainty; otherwise it would never be worth it.

''I can never be with you,'' she said whilst avoiding eye contact.  
He simply agreed, it had a sad tone to it but he agreed. ''I know,'' he said and swallowed past the lump in his throat.

JJ stood up and sat down next to Spencer on the arm of the chair, as she put an arm around his shoulders he stared out the window in front of them. ''Spence,'' she started, trying to get his attention.  
''Yeah?'' He looked at her for a brief moment before staring back at the window.

''I love you,'' she said quietly and showed him a small smile. ''I can never be with you, but I do love you,'' she paused for a moment, just looking at him. ''I have to be there for Will and Henry, I'll never leave them, I can't.''

''I understand,'' he said. Just because he understood didn't mean he had to like it, right?

She kissed his cheek and squeezed him a little tighter for a moment, ''please never forget that I do love you,'' she said. He looked back at her and gave a slight nod, ''okay.''

She stood up and took the few steps to the door; she didn't even notice him following her until she turned around. He looked down at her for a brief moment before he captured her lips in a kiss. She pulled away after a few seconds, a little reluctantly. Neither one of them would ever admit they never wanted the kiss for a moment, it felt too good, too natural, for that.

She gave him one last smile and turned away again. As she walked down the hallway to the stairway she heard the door close behind her. ''I love you so much,'' she said one last time before leaving the building.

Spencer let out a sigh and leaned his forehead against the door, eyes closed. ''I love you too,'' he admitted. She couldn't hear it; she wasn't supposed to hear it. He knew that, but he had to say it... All he had needed was the moment in which she had told him that she loved him, just that one moment. That would be enough for the rest of his live. He had wanted that moment for years now, he had dreamt about it. Now that he had it, he would hold onto it.

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''For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.'' Judy Garland

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Please review! Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated!


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